How Could I Say 'I Love You'..........Part 17

The new year had already arrived by the time our exams were over. In fact, I was studying on the new year eve. The college resumed within 3 days of completion of exams. Yet again it was me, metro and Chhavi traveling together everyday. I didn't use to get repelled from her nowadays but now, since the course doubts were no longer a source of bother for me, I used to get bored from her talks. Most of her chatting topics hovered around her hometown, her family and her school life. I didn't enjoy any of them but she would find great joy in giving the accounts of her past life which was, at least for me, devoid of any exciting thing.

Often while she talked endlessly, I would slip into the memories and remember those lovely moments spent with Rashi. I hadn't talked with her in last 6 months and had hardly any idea how she was doing. A no. of times I would think of calling her but my male ego won't allow me to do so since she herself had never communicated with me in this whole period.Yet again the feeling of hatred towards my present situation was slowly getting induced into me. I had to stop it and I couldn't think of any way to do so.

Different thoughts were running my mind when I saw Rashi suddenly at a mall in Rajouri Garden with a guy. I crash landed on the ground of reality. She had moved on with her life and I was still stuck with the past. I wanted to go and begin a fight with that guy but had to curb my emotions since my family was with me. I couldn't sleep that night properly. On one hand I was angry with her for forgetting me so soon. On the other hand I was furious with myself for being such a jerk.

How Could I Say 'I Love You'..........Part 16

I was applauding my decision of getting friendly with Chhavi very soon. It had nothing to with her nature but her sharp mind. She was one of the toppers of her school and was a very hardworking and dedicated girl. I was surprised how come did she land in this tier 2 college but never bothered to ask her. Her intelligence was turning out to be a boon for me. Programming was like a cakewalk for her and she could handle math as well. Chhavi scored pretty well in the 1st mid semester exams too.

Though I would ask my problems and doubts to her, I would never communicate with her in college except for some very important unavoidable work. Amazingly she had followed this protocol pretty well. A couple of times I would wonder why doesn't she cringe when it is clear that I have befriended her for my own concern and have also put loads of protocols in place. Slowly I realized that she had very few friends in the college and none seemed to be very close to her. May be it was her personality or because she was a small town product; she had hardly impressed anyone other than the faculties.

I wasn't too bothered about her anyway. Even she never complained and helped me happily whenever I put my problems in front of her. I had seriously began to study just a month back and needed to put much more efforts in order to score a respectable percentage. So I would bring many doubts everyday and the train journey was spent mostly in discussions. Soon we had preparation holidays and I was stuck at home with my books for whole 15 days.

How Could I Say 'I Love You'..........Part 15

And this is how I came to know the name of the girl whom I had met umpteen times (joking but still a lot of times) but never bothered to take any interest in knowing her. We didn't become friends that day; I didn't offer my friendship to her and even she didn't. We chatted that day for almost 40 minutes before she got down on her station.

The things had changed a somewhat in the past few months. After my initial bitterness towards the college and its environment, I was finally getting adapted to them. Very soon I had came to know that this kind of alien and bitter attitude towards my own alma mater won't take me anywhere. I had made some friends also and though I never tried to show it, I had begun to enjoy the college life a little.

My heart though hadn't recovered yet and I was still not ready for any relationship. I treated girls as my other classmates only and so wouldn't chat with them as freely yet. I was reluctant to talk much with Chhavi that day too but her crying episode had led to our small chat session and that had been helpful in knowing two things about her

a) She had brains unlike many other girls in my class
b) In spite of that she lacked everything when it came to personality. Her way of dressing, talking, standing - everything was devoid of style and sophistication.

But there was something else that relived me. Those 40 odd minutes assured me that I could never fall in love with this girl. Secondly I had told her clearly before she got down from the train " Chhavi, please do not talk with me in front of my
friends. I mean avoid talking with me in college except for any very important work
since people here are pretty quick in labeling a girl and a boy as a couple. I hope you are understanding it. "

She understood it quickly. For a small town girl, the word couple itself was pretty scary. She nodded her head and left.

How Could I Say 'I Love You'..........Part 14

It was definitely a shock for me. My mind went absolutely blank for few seconds. The people around us were now staring at me as if I had made her cry. Fortunately the train soon reached the next station and there was a commotion as a few people got down from the train and many more boarded it. I quickly turned to her and whispered

"Why are you crying?"

She suddenly realized that she was in a metro and not some isolated place. She quickly stopped and used her handkerchief to wipe her eyes and glasses. I was angry at her weird behavior. Here I had helped her in getting a seat and there she was making me a villain in the eyes of the people. The Indian public doesn't ask before making making an opinion. 'I would never entertain her ever' I thought.

"I am sorry. I couldn't control myself." She said without looking towards me. I didn't reply and there was a silence between us for a couple of minutes. I didn't want to talk with her but curiosity overpowered my reluctance and I couldn't stop myself from asking her

" Why were you crying? Was it because I helped you in getting a seat? Did I do something wrong?"

" No no no.." She said quickly turning her face towards me " It wasn't you..... it... "

"Come on" I said sharply " I deserve to know. You had almost made me a villain here."

It seemed she would cry again but she composed herself quickly and then whispered
" Anshul proposed me today."

I can't forget the confused look at her face when she saw me giggling after she narrated me her 'proposal story' in a couple of minutes. It took me a minute to suppress my laughter. Anshul was the male avatar of her. A weird personality in every sense, Anshul complemented her perfectly. Who else would have dared to propose her ?

"Why did you laugh?" She asked once I had exhausted my quota of laughter. There was a seriousness in her tone. I could sense it. I didn't answer her; instead, I asked her something else

"What is your name?"

She was definitely surprised at this question. She looked at my face for few moments before saying slowly

"Chhavi Sharma"

How Could I Say 'I Love You'..........Part 13

Just before Diwali vacations, we had a big seminar in college. The whole programme ended by evening and by the time I boarded the train, it was already past 7'O clock. Since it was a saturday, there was huge rush in the train. I could find a vacant seat with a great difficulty. As I sat down, I saw her standing near the door with the now familiar troubled look on her face.  I don't know why but I suddenly had an urge to ask her to sit in my place. Perhaps it was because I had observed that she was as tired as me and needed a seat more than me. I was still contemplating how to offer my seat to her and whether it would be right or not when the person sitting next to me began to get up from his seat. I seized the opportunity and called her.

Only air escaped from my mouth as I suddenly remembered that I didn't know her name. Fortunately she was looking in my direction and I could gesture and tell her that a seat was vacant. She was hesitant initially (obviously due to my past behavior) but then thought otherwise and came and sit beside me.

It was a pretty odd feeling for me as she sat near me. I was still wondering why did I do it? I had avoided any sort of contact with her in the past and my this step might undo what I had been trying to do for so long - getting intimate with any girl. I was engrossed in my weird thoughts when I heard a sniff of low intensity. It was a followed by a couple of other sounds which are quite familiar to any human being. I froze in my seat for a second.

The girl whom I had just helped in getting a seat was crying.

How Could I Say 'I Love You'..........Part 12

Time heals everything; Time makes you forget the pain; Time makes you flexible enough to adjust in an environment that was completely alien to you. I had spent close to 3 months in this college and slowly I was getting accustomed with the surroundings and the people there. I had made few friends, had begun to stop thinking that I had landed at a wrong place. Tight study schedule was also helping me by keeping me busy.

Though I had recovered somewhat from the trauma of my broken relationship with Rashi, I wasn't interested in a new girlfriend. I needed some more time to think over it. Almost all of the pretty girls of the class had already become committed. 'She' was one of the few in which no one was interested.

It's kinda funny but even 3 months later I didn't know her name. Apart from the lack of interest, the separation of the students into the 2 sections was another reason behind it. She had remained in section A while I had landed in section B. Post that incident, when I didn't respond to her smile, she had been staying away from me and I was thankful for that. I had begun to think that destiny wanted to develop some sort of bond between us but I was wrong.

I had seen her getting off the train numerous times but she had never came to me again in last 3 months. We had become complete strangers yet again. Though I still used to notice sometimes that she had changed little in spite being in Delhi for so many days. She still seemed uncomfortable and sometimes, a troubled soul to me. But my botheration would evaporate pretty soon. There are lot more important things in my life to worry about than this girl's woes.

I didn't know that  soon I would be asking that girl to share her troubles with me.

How Could I Say 'I Love You'..........Part 11

For the next couple of days I avoided even looking at her. I am very well aware of the fact that such small instances, like the one happened with me in the train, sow the seeds of future relations. It begins with a little smile and slowly leads to other things. I didn't want that to happen. That is why I didn't dare to even look in her direction.

The day ended smoothly and I reached the metro station to catch the train back to my home. I feared that I might run into her on the station but it didn't happen. I boarded the train and sat in one corner. The commuters grew in no. as the train moved closer to the Central Delhi. My mobile's battery had very little life left so I turned the songs off when my stop was just 15 minutes away. Suddenly my eyes saw her, sitting at a distance of just few feet from me.

I didn't know when did she come there. I was surprised a bit and just couldn't turn my face away before she saw me. As I had expected, she smiled a little. But I didn't respond and instead began to play with my mobile. It wasn't an easy thing to do since I had never behaved in such a manner with any girl before. But destiny was hellbent on cooking up something between me and her and I didn't want that to happen at any cost.

She never came near me in the next three months neither did she try to give a friendly smile to me. She had understood that I hardly had any interest in getting acquainted with her.

How Could I say 'I Love You' : Part 10

I was adjusting my earphone when I heard her voice - a distinct voice with heavy accent. I was startled a bit since I didn't notice when did she come and stand beside me.

"May I sit here?" she asked me pointing towards my adjacent seat where I had kept my bag.

The habit of saying 'Yes' most of the times to the girls did the damage as I had already nodded before my mind could signal me to decline her request. Now nothing could be done. I slowly picked up the bag from the seat and put it in my lap. She sat down and then turned towards me

"Thanks a lot Vidhan."

'God! She even knows my name' I became anxious 'This is not good. I must not entertain her.' I quickly put my earphones in the ears and turned my face away. I spent close to half hour looking in the opposite direction from her. Unfortunately I couldn't find a vacant seat too till we reached Dwarka. My neck had begun to pain by the time we reached our stop.

I stormed out of the train before she could have any chance to talk with me. I didn't want to talk with her. I didn't have any interest in that girl.And I certainly didn't want anyone to link me with that dull girl.

How Could I Say 'I Love You'..........Part 9

My readers do not need to exercise their brains to deduce what happened next? In a nutshell I can say that we both heard a long speech, received a severe rebuking and even after 10 minutes of torture, we were marked absent in the first lecture. This seems too harsh, especially when you were late by just 2-3 minutes. But, as I came to know later, we had run into the most strict and oldest professor of the college. After this small but embarrassing episode I had begun to hate the college even more.

But I was surprised at that girl's reaction. It was definitely a news for me that she was actually my classmate. But what had really been a revelation was that girl wasn't that fragile as I had thought initially. A severe reprimanding into very early days of college and that too just for coming few minutes late is not something easy to digest. Amazingly, the girl had not broken down. I had seen even the most toughest looking girls sobbing at my school when the teachers had unleashed a ferocious verbal attack on them. But this girl didn't shed a single tear that moment and even after that. I kept on giving a glance at her every now and then in 1st lecture, but she was composed all the time.

But now I had enough with that girl. I suddenly realized that someway or another, destiny was trying to push that girl towards me. I didn't know much even about the few guys I used to talk with in the class, but here I was doing personality analysis of a girl I had no interest in, with whom I had never talked and above all, I didn't know her name too (well, I wasn't really interested  in knowing her name anyway). My doubt about the destiny playing a game with me were reinforced just a couple of days later.

How Could I say 'I Love You'.......... Part 8

I saw her again next week standing in the same manner in a corner of the metro train. How often do you remember a face you had seen in the crowd that had nothing worth remembering? But that girl was not a common Delhite. She seemed so out of place to me on the first day itself that I didn't take a second in recognizing her. She traveled with me and other passengers right till the end and yet again we left the metro at the last stop.

'She must be a student' I thought.For a moment I felt like asking her but then decided against it. My college was around half km from the metro station and so I had to walk on foot to the college. I didn't used to enter the college before the scheduled time since, in spite of all the efforts, ragging was going on in full swing on the campus. My classmates had told me that it was more of a fun and they had enjoyed it. But I wanted to avoid it at any cost. This college was not supposed to be my alma mater. I believed I would never fall in love with this place or the people here. 'Destiny has forced me to associate this college with my life for three years, but I wouldn't allow it to make any bond with my soul.'

I had hardly made any friends in the few initial days of the college. Most of the times I was silent in the class rooms. Most of the times I was lost in the good old memories and rest of the times I would curse my own decision. I knew that none of them would help me in surviving in this college, but it is not easy to let go of the sweetness of the memories and pain of parting.

I entered into the college premises as soon as my watch struck 9 a.m. I knew that professor would have already reached into the classroom and would have begun taking attendance. I knew I would be reprimanded just like last week, but this was the best possible way I could think of avoiding contact with seniors early in the day. I quickly climbed the steps, ran at a brisk speed in the corridors and reached the door of the lecture theater. To my utter surprise, someone else was also there, standing by the door with the same worried expression that I had become acquainted with in such a short duration.

How Could I say 'I Love You'.......... Part 7

Metro trains do not play a big role in the developing the love between the hero and heroine in Bollywood yet. The reason is pretty simple - very few films are shot in Delhi though the no. has risen significantly since release of RDB. But I believe that real life love stories do get a chance to blossom in these metros. I never knew that soon my own story would begin in one of those morning metros moving towards Dwarka.

 I noticed her on the final day of the first week of the college. The train was pretty crowded that day and even I couldn't get a seat to sit. But standing while travelling in the metro was not something new for me. I had numerous such rides with parents and friends since metro began in Delhi. I was standing in one corner with earphones plugged inside my ears when I saw her for the first time. A quick glance for few seconds was enough to conclude that she didn't belong to Delhi. I could see a mixed feeling of anxiousness and irritation on her face. Outsiders often get irritated when their very 1st journey in the metro doesn't turns out to be smooth. She was feeling uncomfortable in clothes (T-shirt and jeans) as well as I could see her moving uneasily every couple of minutes. She had a new set of glasses on her eyes and she kept adjusting them. A bulky bag on her back was a source of another trouble. With every passing minute she was getting more desperate to put it down but the crowd density was not allowing her to do so.

I was amused at this particular creature standing right in front of me. The journey to the college took around an hour and mine was the last stop. She finally got a seat to sit but only at the penultimate stop. She got down from the train with me at Dwarka only. I forgot about her once I got down from the train.But when I returned in the evening I found her standing on the platform with the same worried expression. I didn't pay much attention. She didn't carry any charisma to attract me at all. I turned my mp3 player on and boarded the train without giving a second glance at her.

How Could I say 'I Love You'.......... Part 6

3 years back 


Sometimes just one wrong decision taken in a spur of moment can become a source of regret. I never wanted to take admission into this particular college, yet here I was, moving rapidly in the metro towards my alma mater which wasn't destined to be one just a few days back.

It is funny how break-up sometimes leads to such decisions that actually mess up your life even further. Rashi and I had been together for almost a year and had decided to go into the same college as well. We had chosen a nice college in South Delhi and I was pretty sure that we both will be able to get the same course as well. Everything looked perfect till the results came out. I had scored bit lower than my expectations while Rashi had bettered hers. It became pretty obvious that we won't be able to the same college together. I frantically began to search for another good college where I could take admission along with Rashi. I finally spotted a decent but not too great college in the same vicinity, but received the shock of my life when she declined going to that particular college with me since the 'latter didn't deserve her'. I never knew that a few marks could bring so much change into her and my life. I tried to convince her but she didn't agree at all. Her justification was her career and that we could meet everyday since our colleges were located in the same area.

I tried to talk with her on the final date of form filling but she refused to reconsider her decision. We had a spat and in the rage I suddenly decided to go for another college far far away from hers. I didn't even look at the details of the college properly since the fire raging inside me had robbed me of my thinking ability. We had a break up and few days later the final admission list came out. She got the college she wanted to go to and I landed in the college whose name too I didn't know. My sanity was restored by then but it was too late.

So here I am, sitting in one corner of the metro contemplating about the coming three years and thinking  how boring life would be without Rashi; and how tedious this everyday journey would be for me.

How Could I Say 'I Love You'..........Part 5

This particular competition was turning out to be pretty amusing and entertaining. One by one they had called 5 different persons of the class and given them topics either suiting their personality or just opposite. Everyone in the auditorium was enjoying to the hilt. Even I was having my share of fun after getting bored for almost 2 hours. Just one more person was left to come on the stage. 'With it the farewell would end...or...no..wait... there would be a longgggg speech by the dignitaries. Another 30-minutes will be wasted in it.'

This thought had induced a headache for me. Suddenly the whole fun I was having since last 20 odd minutes was gone. I wanted it to end .... now. The anchor had come onto the stage to announce the final name. I was no more interested. I looked back and found few guys leaving already for the dinner. Most of them were juniors but I had found an escape route finally. It is better to get hold of a junior, have dinner quickly and then leave before rest of the guys arrive post grueling speech session.

I quietly stood up and casually walked towards the door. Suddenly I heard something from the stage. The anchor had called out the name of the final contestant. My feet jammed instantly. Did I hear it correctly, I wondered. There was a huge clapping and applause. I slowly turned back. There wasn't a single trace of doubt. I had heard the name of the final contestant quite clearly.

How Could I Say 'I Love You'..........Part 4

"And now" the anchor stopped for a couple of seconds and looked all around the hall before continuing "the most exciting competition of the evening, the winner of which will get a wrist watch worth Rs. 1000. " There was a huge applause from my peers in the front rows. For me, though, it was another precious time loss. I was already feeling hungry and wanted to leave the auditorium as soon as the announcement of dinner is made. This 'exciting competition' would definitely delay the proceedings by another 15 minutes at least. I had begun to get irritated but, on the contrary, my batchmates were pretty excited.

"So, who wish to participate in this competition?", the anchor asked. A lot of hands shot up in the air. "If I tell you that in this particular competition the participants have to speak for 2 minutes on a random but pretty interesting topic given by us, then how many of you will participate?" Within next 2 seconds only few hands were visible in the air. Most of them were seasoned debaters or speakers and didn't have the stage phobia.

"As I had expected" the anchor chuckled "only few are really interested in this competition since one has to speak ad-lib . But if the seasoned debaters participate in it then there won't be any fun and we do not want to make this event devoid of any zing. So we have already prepared a list of selected students, of course, through a lucky draw, who will participate in this competition. There will be 5 persons competing for the watch and the list is in my hand."

There was a huge cheering from the juniors' row while seniors just clapped. Most of them would have definitely become anxious after the announcement. Within this mixed atmosphere of anxiousness and excitement, the anchor read out the 1st name - Dilip Talwar and his topic 'Studies = One night fight'. The announcement of his name and topic resulted in a bout of laughter among all of us. Even I couldn't suppress my laughter. The reason was pretty obvious - Dilip's nickname in the college was One Night Fight since he always studied a day before the exam. How he managed to pass all these 3 years was a mystery to many. Anyway, he climbed the stage very confidently and spoke for 3 minutes instead of stipulated 2.

How Could I Say 'I Love You'..........Part 3

I knew that the farewell would begin with handing over the mementos and greeting cards to the departing batch. That would mean the announcement of the names and then a special appearance of few seconds on the stage. But I didn't want it. I didn't want to get myself noticed to her. I had an urge to leave the farewell bash and go back home but then I decided against it. My subconscious mind asked me to stay there. The reason behind it though was not clear. Certainly the things won't be getting a turn of 180 degrees here within a span of 150 minutes.

"Vidhan Kapoor" the anchor called out. I could here her voice quite clearly even in the toilet. I stood there for a couple of minutes more as my name was announced again. I came out of the toilet only after the distribution of mementos had ended. Having the penultimate roll no. of the class has its advantages. Walking into the toilet outside the hall few minutes before the announcement of the name was a good way to escape from that special appearance on the stage.

Next one hour was spent in a no. of weird but amusing competitions. A group of juniors was roaming among the seniors and jotting down the names of the interested persons. A guy came in the last rows too but I showed no interest in giving my name for any competition. The guys were rolling in their chairs watching their peers engaging themselves in weird activities. For me though, it was a strict time pass. I wanted it to end soon. 

How Could I Say 'I Love You'..........Part 2

It took me more than an hour to reach my college, thanks to the Saturday night traffic of the city. Most of my classmates were already present when I entered into the large auditorium of my college. The auditorium, which wore a deserted look most of the year, was bustling with huge activities today. At the far end I could see the decorated stage and our juniors giving final touches to the preparations. In the left hand corner few guys were busy with the DJ, perhaps informing him about the programmes of the evening. Mikes had been set already and the anchors of the show too were ready.

I could see my peers standing near the front rows. Everyone looked different today. Boys in suits and girls in sarees - this is not visible everyday. It was difficult to recognize most of the girls from distance due to sarees, heavy makeup and ornaments they had worn. I didn't have a slightest doubt that most of them had spent a large amount of the time at noon in the beauty parlours. Most of them were looking prettier but the same couldn't be said about the boys. As it turned out, I was not the only one who had to borrow the suit from his father. Most of the guys had done the same and so many of them were looking weird since, unlike me, their fathers' suits hadn't matched them in size as well as shape. Though few of them looked decent. A smug smile appeared on my face. I definitely looked lot better than those present there.

And then my eyes fell on her. She was standing near one of the anchors. I didn't notice it earlier since she had her back towards me. Now when she turned around, I could see her properly. All I could utter in next few seconds was 'wow'. She looked stunning in the pink saree. She had got her hair trimmed and the new style suit her very well. The spectacles were missing and so were the simple ear rings that I had seen her wearing throughout the graduation. She had applied little makeup on her face and still looked more gorgeous than Alisha - the heartthrob of our college.

I adjusted my tie and tried to wipe of any dust I would have picked up on the way. This was supposed to be our last meeting and I didn't want to sour these final moments. But, as I was about to take my first step towards her, something happened that impeded my body movement. I don't know how long I would have remained in the same position had the chief guests not arrived, bringing in a lot of clamor.

Instead of going to the front rows reserved for our batch, I settled down on one of the chairs in the back row. Slowly I turned my eyes back towards her. She was still talking and laughing heartily with him. Suddenly everything was back into my mind. My zeal went into the cold waters and I begin to curse myself for coming here.

The chief guests had taken their seats and the anchors had grabbed the mike.

'Welcome to the farewell bash of batch 2008' One of them began enthusiastically.

How Could I Say 'I Love You'..........Part 1

I had put on one of the finest suits of my dad. The beautiful tie was a gift of my bua. I had a hair cut and shave just a couple of hours back. After a long time I was wearing my black formal shoes and perhaps, for the first time, my sister agreed with my mother that I looked handsome .

No, it wasn't my wedding day and certainly not one of the most important days of my life. But this is a day when I would look at many faces for a final time. A class of 60 students will be together for those last 150 odd minutes.

I don't know why Farewell is called farewell? Is it expected from each and everyone that he/she will definitely fare-well in their lives or is it a a bouquet of wishes for all to fare-well in whatever they do? I know many of the readers must be thinking that I am going nuts but do not think that I am getting emotional due to this farewell thing. Frankly, I am not getting emotional at all. It is just that it has finally dawned on me that I will be seeing and meeting her for the last time today. Then we would part our ways. That is why I want these moments to be etched in my memories for a long time and this is the only reason I am attending the farewell function in an attire that I do not find my self comfortable in but wore it because she had asked me to.

Love is a funny thing, or an amusing thing or perhaps a very weird thing.... Ya.. I Know.. I have gone nuts..